Have you heard? There’s a new extremist faction on the loose. One so scary governments are issuing warnings, concerned citizens are cowering behind their SUVs, and business leaders quake in their real leather boots.
Who are these hideous creatures who’ll stop at nothing to destroy our very way of life?
Environmentalists of course.
This week, the Canadian government issued a report that made it clear where environmentalists stand in their country.
Low-level violence by domestic issue-based groups remains a reality in Canada… revolving around the promotion of various causes such as animal rights, white supremacy, environmentalism and anti-capitalism.
That’s right, folks. People who care about animal rights and the environment are just as bad as white supremacists.
Rick Santorum would definitely agree. He warned in a campaign speech recently that we’re entering a “reign of environmental terror.”
It’s the new boogey man. It’s the new way to try to scare you.
Celeb chef Anthony Bourdain takes great pleasure in warning us of the very real threat posed by the environmentalist cell known as “vegans”.
Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans… are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit.
Hezbollah-like? Really? I can only assume he’s referring to our shared love of hummus and pita.
Big dairy is in on the game too, with their latest attack aids aimed squarely at non-cow milk and the terrifying people who drink it.
My god, what is that noxious liquid? A drink made from almonds!?! Noooooo!
Yes people, we’ve got them on the run, with our caring for animals and wanting to have clean air to breathe. It’s only a matter of time until… until what? What exactly do we enviro-terrorists want?
- We want to keep the air, water, and soil free from poisonous chemicals to prevent the needless suffering of people around us.
- We want to use the earth’s resources responsibly to prevent the needless suffering of future generations.
- We want to stop animal abuse to prevent the needless suffering of our fellow creatures.
Do you see a pattern here?
Environmentalists share a desire to prevent needless suffering.
Some people blame PETA and Greenpeace or more radical organizations like the Earth Liberation Front. While I don’t condone blowing shit up to make a point (and neither, by the way, do PETA and Greenpeace), I also don’t think the likes of Santorum and Bourdain actually care that much about extremists. They are far more afraid of the mob of people who want to shut down Keystone XL, the communities who are demanding clean tap water, the normal folks who are taking a stand against GMOs.
If it’s not the extremists, maybe they’re worried about the collapse of the economy that is sure to be the result of living more responsibly? Except that the green economy is exploding and study after study shows that itmight be the one thing to save us all.
No. These people aren’t afraid of extremists or a bad economy. It’s something quite different.
This fear of environmentalists comes from the same wellspring that fed the terror engendered by the abolition of slavery. It’s the same fear that returned when women fought for suffrage and again as blacks demanded their civil rights.
Each of these movements chipped away at the existing power structure. It handed over a little sliver of control to people who had never had control before.
Men who were used to having women and minorities under their thumb, who had once determined their worth by the number of people stooping before their greatness, found that no one thought they were that great anymore. Before they knew it, the people they used to control were running households, businesses, and governments.
Lucky for them, there’s one place where they (and all of us) still reign supreme. We play God to the animals, forcing them to breed, live, and die as we dictate. We bend the earth to our will, erasing forests, damming rivers, and removing mountain-tops when they stand in our way.
Yep, Mother Nature is still our bitch.
Unless those Goddamn environmentalists get their way!
Environmentalists want us to have a sissified symbiotic relationship with the earth. They want us to stand humble, small, and respectful before nature. They want us to admit that we need the earth more than it needs us.
And that is why politicians, celebrity chefs, big business, and everyday Joe-the-Plumber types run screaming in the other direction when someone suggests we stop spewing chemicals into the air, or dumping pig shit in the rivers, or tearing the Canadian wilderness apart to get at the tar sands.
Because if we don’t reign supreme over nature, what’s left? If we have nothing left to tyrannize, how will we feel like men at all?
The irony is that this notion of control is just a fantasy; the most powerful thing on Earth is the earth itself. And whether we destroy all that sustains us, or somehow manage to save it, the earth will be here long after we, and every last trace of our existence, is gone.
Photo by blprnt_van